~Talouloune ~

What do you know.

Who would have thought that you would have been there all along

That it would be you, that it would be so easy, so simple, so...perfect.

Everything Ive been forcing into my conscience over the past couple years, youve managed to make me doubt in a matter of months and even though that
 scares me to death...

What if it is okay to believe in love? The purest, simplest, realest kind of love. The kind that people say doesnt exist anymore.

What if you really are my person. The one that really is exactly how I always said my person would be, needed to be, is...

I stayed stuck in a battle between reason and folie and decided to throw caution to the wind and take a leap forward.

So far, all its lead me to is butterflies and intense heartfelt joy, even miles apart.

I see a future, I see hope, I see trust, that horrible word that makes my lips tremble...

Sometimes I look at myself from a different perspective and realize how much Ive grown, how much ive learned and yet how parts of me will always be the same.

I believe in love, the kind of love that makes you smile all day, the one that never hurts. Never lost hope in that love, my love,  that was there, out there, somewhere...instead it was closer

 

...it was you.

Excerpt from "Soul craving"...couldnt have put it better myself if I tried!

 

 

 

Robot Woman

"Thoughts become things" is such a hard quote to live by…

Even if I really have, experienced the difference in outcome

When my mind is set on something specific.

Lately I have been trying to tell myself that with my thoughts,

and my ever-constant struggle to control them,

I am able to erase something that causes distress in me.

It's really a rather interesting battle,

Me versus myself, my head versus my heart.

I believe that if I keep this up long enough

I might actually get over it faster

so…I deleted all evidence of existence

and constantly consciously have to wipe a clean slate,

every time the thought of anything related, pops into my head.

I am auto disciplining myself against a feeling I hate.

I can't deal with the knot in the stomach

and the overanalyzing of something apparently rather simple to grasp.

I never got it and never will!

So, I would rather skip through the whole ordeal

start fresh when it's all over.

Maybe I can auto pilot myself into becoming

one of those robot women I always admired.

You know those stone cold women

who don’t really have time for this shit

and just shrug it off and say ok…what's next?

Thoughts become things,

so if I control my thoughts, they will control me?

Maybe I am absolutely crazy.

But that’s okay  for now ...

I want to be a robot woman. 

 

Zen

I've come to peace with it. With him and the fact that he's broken.

It's a its-really-not-me-its-you situation. this time....maybe last time as well because I could never pinpoint exactly what I had done wrong.

Walking, tiptoeing on thin breakable ice was never my kind of thing and I understand now, that my fear of having the ice crack under my very feet at any moment was a prelude...some kind of self defense mechanism my heart auto piloted on, in prelude to this.

The ice, broke..and I fell into the freezing water, having it wake the hell out of me like I had been asleep all along.

I understand now that it wasn't me who failed to feel, it was you. You tore down my wall only to build yours up, got new locks and bridges and dragons and felt absolutely normal doing it. I, just stood there repeating .."I dont understand"

I still dont understand but Ive come to terms with the fact that I never will and that thats perfectly fine.

Get well soon while I ….stand tall and let the blood flow.

hmph!

So guys...remember the hole rollercoaster ride thing I wrote last time about how I wanted to go again, wanted to feel nauseous and disoriented and sick and all, metaphorically speaking of love, all that because feeling like shit is better than feeling nothing at all...yeah remember that? I changed my mind.

Dog days are over.

Rollercoaster ride

Isn't it ironic how every time you go through something big in life you say "this cant possibly get any worse, I cant possibly feel anymore than this"…your heart gets so big and full of love that you feel like you cant possibly have anymore to give or it gets so small from heartbreak that you feel like it cant possibly love anyone, ever again! Then something happens, time happens and a year later you find yourself in such a different place in time. Things have changed, people come and gone and that feeling you remember as being the most intense is now but a mere memory and something better came along. You survived, your heart is still beating and somehow the idea of opening up your heart for someone else, or loving someone more is not such a dreadful idea after all. Is that what being human is all about? Sucking up every inch of emotion in each moment only to spit it out as a notch on your experience belt and saying been there done that. In that case, I just added a new one to my love is a sick twisted roller coaster ride. I'm afraid of heights, we went too high and one of us let go on the way down, I got sick and ended up almost crawling to the finish line alone. Took me a while to get back up, everything around me kept spinning and I kept focusing on the wrong things. It's been a while since then and that sick twisted roller coaster ride keeps winking at me. Ive thought up a bunch of strategies on how to keep the pace on that thing, how to wear helmets and kneepads like when I used to roller-skate, truth is… it doesnt really matter what I wear, I want to go again! 

 

Who am I?

Its been a while since i picked up a pen

Something about confused emotions and maybe not enough words

Too many I-never-thought-that-would-happen experiences

And maybe not enough time

Many many moons, laughters, hours and tears perhaps

Frozen in a time i'll never get back

Who have i become and where did I leave these tiny parts of me…why, even?

On that doorstep, that phonecall, that bed, that day, that moment

I remember them all as would a veteran retelling battlewound stories

I could…but I wouldnt dare to,

open that door again, the key is…tarnished

Who have I become? Older..yes. Wiser?..perhaps

All I know is that I feel Light now, I feel my soul

 and its smiling.

Best day of my life! Found it online....love it!

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! 

There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate! 

Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger. 

I will go through this day with my head held high and a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice. 

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me. 

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine. 

And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures. 

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!